Hello there! It feels good to be back. I haven't posted since our beloved LabbyDog passed away and I wrote his tribute. I've tried to come back a few times, but I just wasn't ready. But here I am! Done with school and ready to roll, so thank you for stopping by to read!
My baby boy has grown up in the time since I last posted. He is 2. I know, "terrible two's". Terrible two's is a true story. Living with a 2 year old is like living with a grizzly bear. Or what I imagine living with a grizzly bear to be. I don't know any grizzly bears. I don't know anybody who owns a grizzly bear either. But I would think if you owned a grizzly bear, you would try to keep him as calm and happy as possible at all times. Feed him honey, give him a big lake full of fish to play in, and just generally try to avoid bothering him in any way. That's how it is right now in our house with our 2 year old. I try to keep him as happy as can be, keep his bones all in one piece and keep his skin closed. Feed him when he seems to be grumpy and for goodness sake never, EVER wake him up in the precious hours of the day he retreats to his den to hibernate.
One way I've figured out to keep my grizzly cub subdued is to turn on the TV. Yes, my electronic babysitter tuned into Nick Jr is sure to give me an hour of uninterrupted peace to get things done like laundry, dinner, shower, and 22 rounds of Candy Crush. Don't judge. Recently, Papa Grizzly and I discovered NetFlix, which opened up a whole new world of bear cub entertainment. So for the past 2 years my TV has regressed from Mad Men and Real Housewives to Blues Clues and Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends.
Now, most of these shows for kids must have had limited runs. It seems that way anyhow. I am pretty sure I've seen every episode of all of them at least 3 times. I've only seen every episode of Friends 6 times. Friends never gets old. Dora the Explorer- well, yeah. She gets old in about 5 minutes. It doesn't matter if I'm in the laundry room, kitchen, or upstairs scrubbing the toilets-- Dora's voice finds me and my ears start to twitch deep inside next to my brain and then I can feel my face get all frowny and I am ready to turn the TV off again and take the grizzly cub outside.
So I thought I would rate my top 5 worst kids shows and why I find them so irritating. Just for you, in case you're thinking of being a Mama Bear someday. I chose these based on their irritability inducing factor and the bad things they teach kids. Like monsters. And bad acting. And whining.
#5 Fresh Beat Band
This little gem of a show is not a cartoon. It's 4 grown adults trying very badly to act like high school students. I think. There are two girls and two boys and they play every instrument ever known to man and sing goofy songs while miniature kid versions of them dance along beside them. The 'gee golly gosh' ness of the whole show pretty much makes me ill. I mean, how much money are those adults getting paid to act so goofy? It can't be enough. they remind of the kids on Barney and how they acted SUPER-DEE-DUPER EXCITED ABOUT EVERYTHING. I wonder if it's the same kids, just grown up now? Like Justin and Britney from Mickey Mouse Club?
But anyway, back to the Fresh Beats. That's what they call themselves. The Fresh Beats.
They are neither fresh nor beating anything, so what gives? And what does the future hold for them? Are they ever going to land an Oscar worthy movie role after wearing neon outfits and singing "Reach for the Sky"??? I hate it.
Minutes until I change the channel: 17
Redeeming Factor: the song at the end of every episode has a cute dance that I have almost mastered.
#4 Jake and the Never Land Pirates
Jake and his friends are on Disney Jr. There's a ship, a Tinker Bell-like character whose name I forget, and Captain Hook who is always trying to steal whatever Jake and his friends have. This show is annoying because they try to awkwardly work in phrases like "yo ho!" and "yay hey!" and it just doesn't work. The most irritating thing is that Jake always feels sorry for Captain Hook.
Every time the good guys (Jake et al) win, Jake's like, "well heck, Captain Hook, come on over to my ship for dinner or something. Where you going?" Which completely goes against everything we've grown to love about Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow for the past 10 years..... Jake is too nice. And he practically wants to give his gold doubloons away.
Minutes until I change the channel: 9
Redeeming Factor: Sharky and Bones - real people who sing some kind of cute Pirate Rock song each episode.
#3 Mike the Knight
As far as I can tell, Mike the Knight hasn't been on for too long. I liked this show when I first watched it. It's about a young knight (Mike, duh) and his misadventures with his horse Galahad, and dragon friends Sparkie and Squirt. Mike has a sister, Evie, and at first I thought Evie was Mike's girlfriend. Whoops. Anyway, Mike is always getting into some sort of situation because he isn't using good listening skills or whatever and then he decides it is "time to be a knight and do it right!" and then he saves the day. I decided I didn't like this show anymore for 2 reasons. First, Mike and Evie can't speak unless they are whining. They have this sing songy "but Miiiiii----kkkkeee" kind of way of talking and I'm pretty sure that's why my dog gets up to go outside when this show is on. I think it makes her ears burn. Second, as if the whining wasn't bad enough, each episode has something to do with some kind of monster. Guess who is now afraid of monsters? Guess who had never heard of monsters until Mike the Knight? You guessed it-- my 2 year old grizzly. So now I have to say "No, monsters aren't real. No, there's no monsters" as I secretly wish a monster would rip Mike the Knight's head off mid whine: "But EEEEE-VVVVIIIIEEEE- ack!" Chomp.
Minutes until I change the channel: 2 seconds after monster talk
Redeeming Factor: the Troll family is kind of cute. And my grizzly bear learned the word "trebuchet" from this show.
#2- Tie. Dora the Explorer and Diego the... (what is Diego?)
Ok, I know you feel me on this one. Dora the Explorer is the just about unbearable for any parent who has ever suffered through it. And if she wasn't bad enough and wildly popular enough with children, they went and created her cousin and his very own show, Diego.
Dora and Diego have been around for a while. I know they are educational and I do think it's great to incorporate Spanish into our kids' vocabularies. Spanglish!
But I will never ever understand what kind of person is the mastermind behind Dora's demanding, bitchy voice and her big creepy eyes watching and waiting for you to answer her. I've caught myself doing whatever she says just so she'll blink.
"We need your help! Sing with us! Sing!"
"Can you say abuelo? Say it! Say it LOUDER! LOUDER!"
I can't take the pressure!!!
And Diego, well he manages to save any animal in the entire universe and never get bitten or stung or maimed. He's got a sister named Alicia (a-LEE-see-uh) and a camera named Click who really do all the work but Diego gets all the glory. Him and his Animal Rescue Center.
But somehow both of these shows lure my kid front and center where he parks his butt and follows every comand until the very end. Maybe I'll start saying "Dinner! We need your help! Wash your hands! FASTER! DO IT!" in my best Dora voice.
Minutes until I change the channel: until Map sings on Dora or Click takes a pic on Diego.
Redeeming factor: the "We Did It" song at the end that always makes my kid dance.
#1 Worst Kids Show on TV: Caillou
Did I spell that right? I'm not sure. Because who names their kid Caillou? What is that, French? Can you imagine?
"What's your name?"
"My name's Caillou!"
"I'm sorry, what's that again?"
"Caillou. Like 'kai-YOO' "
"Ok, Caribou, follow me".
You know how a popular character can spur a baby name boom; like Ariel, Dory, or Doug? Well, I am pretty sure nobody has EVER named their kid after Caillou, for fear somebody would say "After that TV show?!" because it would never be "Oh! I love that TV show!" Nope, it would always be "ohafterthatTVshow".
And do you know what his sister's name is? Well, with Caillou you'd think her name would be, oh I dunno, Monique or Yvette or JeanMarie or even something odd like Versailles. But it's not. His sister's name----> Rosie. I guess his parents lost their creativity after Caillou was born. Or they just got so tired of everybody saying "come again?" when they presented Caillou. They stuck with something nice and simple on Baby #2.
And why is Caillou bald? And why does he sound like a know it all girl?
I hate this show. Hate it. But guess what- my kid loves it. He loves to watch Caillou go find something grown up to do and ask his perfect mother and father for help. His perfect mother and father always patiently respond with "well, no Caillou, this is for grown ups" as they fix the sink or drive the car. Any real parent would be like "I have told you a hundred times NO, now go and watch Dora".
Minutes until I change the channel: I have to leave the room.
Redeeming factor: I got nuthin'.
So there you go. There's my take on the stuff kids watch these days. You might wonder if there are any shows I do like. There are. My number 1 favorite show on Nick Jr: Bubble Guppies. On Disney Jr: Doc McStuffins. So there. I'm not a total curmudgeon.
Until next time!
Meanie
All things Olive:
Marriage Equality wins in Minnesota! Yay
Graduation Yesterday!
Pinnacle Blackberry Vodka
